Lawyer Jokes

• A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. – Benjamin Franklin.
• What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
• Ignorance of the law excuses no man – from practicing it. – Adison Mizner
• A man is innocent until proven broke. – Anonymous
• What’s wrong with Lawyer jokes? Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.
• How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
• What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
• What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
• “It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain
• Isn’t it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name?
• If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

All these came from Lawyers Jokes, Quotes, and Anecdotes. Kansas City: Andrews McMeel P., 2001.

Jokes

1. They say that talk is cheap – until you get a lawyer involved.
2. A lawyer wandered home at three in the morning and his wife was very upset yelling, “You’re late! You said you’d be home at 11:45”!  The lawyer calmly replied, “No, I’m right on time.  I said I’d be home a quarter of twelve.”
3. Did you hear about the woman who sent out 1,500 perfumed erotic valentines across the city signed, “Guess Who”?  She’s a divorce lawyer.
4. Two very rich people got divorced and their lawyers lived happily ever after.
5. A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
   “I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
   The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
   The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
6. Between grant theft and legal fee there only stands a law degree.
7. How was copper wire invented?  Two lawyers fighting over a penny.
8. What is the difference between the dry cleaner and a lawyer?  The cleaner pays if he loses your suit.  A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.
9. What do you call a lawyer who’s gone bad?  A Senator.
10. Why did the lawyer cross the road?  To sue the chicken on the other side.
11. Why didn’t the shark eat the attorney?  Professional courtesy.

Looney Laws:

1. You cannot walk down the street with your shoelaces untied in Maine.
2. Lollipop sales are forbidden in Spokane, WA.
3. You can’t gargle in public in Louisiana.
4. It’s against the law to sneeze on a train in West Virginia.
5. It’s illegal to set up a mousetrap in California without a hunting license.
6. Falling asleep in a bathtub is against the law in Detroit.
7. In Princeton, Texas, it’s unlawful for to throw onions at anyone.
8. Infants are prohibited in Los Angeles form dancing in public halls.
9. In Hawaii, it is illegal to put pennies in your ears.

10.  In Texas, it’s illegal to put graffiti on someone else’s cow.

Facts:

1. Of the 44 US presidents, 27 were lawyers.
2. Business Insurance, January 27, 1992, reported “The United States has 5 percent of the world’s population and 70 percent of the lawyers.”